Journey through Grief

So here we are July 26th 2024 and I thought I would touch base with y'all!

I know I'm not on here as much as I probably should be but this is more of a journal, raw journal of my journey through grief. 

So I usually talk through my blog so hopefully it makes sense again it's raw, possibly unedited in places! 

So I'm at the point now where we are 9 months into this loss. And I can't believe I've made it through this part of it I mean when you first lose your loved one you're not sure if you're going to make it till the next day or even the next hour or the next minute. It's very surreal like an out-of-body experience almost. You're so numb and so devastated by your grief that you don't know if you're going to make it through it all. Reminds me of the scene in steel magnolias where oh I just had her name in my head where the mother I can't remember her name, the mother was crying one minute then she composed herself and then she is crying again and screaming and she composes herself and then she's back at it again it's just this roller coaster ride of emotions that you really don't know how to how to act. And you know that you have things that you have to do to prepare a funeral, prepare a memorial say your last goodbyes! You don't want to you don't want to do any of it, you just want your loved one back and in my case I just wanted my husband back! 

You want the impossible to be possible! That devastation the guttural pain that you're in you want it to end with the appearance of your loved one. 

Now some of you know and some of you don't, but I've been through this before with the death of my children. When I went through that in 1997 it was an unbelievable pain that I never wanted to experience again. I wasn't sure I was going to make it through that one. Now was a life change that I would never want to repeat again nor would want anybody else to go through. 

Trying to find a goal every day when you're in this much pain is nearly impossible. I bring that up because I'm a goal-oriented individual. Like that's how I get through my everyday. I get up in the morning and go okay what am I going to do today to get through this day and make my mental list and know what I was supposed to do everyday and then try to accomplish those goals. Some days I accomplish them some days I accomplish parts of them and some days I don't get any of them at all it I get sidetracked with something else. 

So at the beginning of this journey with Tom and again it was so unexpected like the death of my children as well that it's sidelined my life. I wasn't sure how to move forward because this life we had created was for us to enjoy not for me by myself to enjoy. So figuring out everything has been a bit difficult! And those who are watching from the sidelines, are probably shaking their heads at me most of the time because making decisions based on what you think your husband or your loved one would want is difficult on a regular day let alone the rest of your life. This is a a challenge that I wasn't really wanting nor expecting in my life. So all my decisions have been trying to make sure that they're the best for me which is a whole another subject and the best route to go without regret! 

It's been a crazy ride! And I feel sorry for those who are around me because this roller coaster that I've been thrown on some days makes me sick some days it I just wanted it to stop!!! Some days I'm so indecisive that I can't make a decision another days I'm definitely know exactly what I want to get done or what I want to get rid of .

Speaking of getting rid of stuff, I know that people have been telling me that you know you should wait a year before you get rid of stuff and.. but people have in their lives things that is beyond their control that they need to clean house per se in order for them to be able to move forward in a healthy way. So for me I had to downsize what I had here at the farm as far as animals go just so that I can continue running my life. And then I'm downsizing the amount of clutter that is here on the farm as well by having an auction. I have to decide if I want to be at this auction or if I'm just going to continue to run my store and let the auction be what it is. Take what I can and go from there! 

There's a lot in this whole thing where you just want to close the door shut the world out and hide in the sheets and not come out! But unfortunately, or fortunately however you want to look at it, I am not made that way as much as I would like to hide away and not have to deal with the world I am made to be responsible and accountable and it's just in me and grained in me that I have to be this way so I can't hide away! So onward and upward I go...,

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