Journey through grief 1

Good day all,

I decided to come back to blogger to maybe use this platform as my place of journaling I know it's been couple years since I've been here but I just need a space where I can express my feelings and my story. And I know I've been able to do that before here so I decided I'm coming back. 

Some of you may know some of you may not know, but in October of 2023 my husband Tom passed away! 

He had a brain bleed that caused irreversible damage and tragically he passed away. That whole process of going through that was just the most painful next to the death of my children in 1997. I was told by the doctor that his cognitive and his communication was affected to the point that he probably would never be able to come back from it. So decisions that I had to make based on knowing what my husband would want was extremely painful. Meaning I had to shut the machine off! I believe he died the night before because his blood pressure and everything was in the toilet like 40/20 and the machine was breathing for him on the day that I turned it off well I didn't turn it off but I had to sign the orders to have it turned off. The decision that I made to do that has taken a little bit of a toll on me but only because naturally I have a little guilt for having to make that decision for my lover my friend my husband. 

He has two sisters, and the one sister was very upset with the decision but eventually she has rolled around to understand that her brother would not and could not live the life that they were proposing. Basically he would never be able to understand anything that we were telling him nor would he be able to communicate to us what he needed or wanted so basically a vegetable state and he would have to be on a ventilator and a feeding tube you know the whole gamut changing diapers etc etc. And for those who don't know who my husband was I hope that I'm able to bring that out in this journal he was a fantastic person. 

He lived a life that people dreamed of having. He had a dream and he ran after it and lived it. Wasn't always easy but he had some incredible experiences and he was blessed in so many ways. And I hope I'm able to bring that to light by these stories. I promised him one day that I would write his story and with this journaling I'm hoping that I'm able to do that and be able to provide it in print. 

Since October, I have basically after taking about a month off and I don't even know if it was about that long that I took off but I took some time off and then I went to work. Meaning I had to figure out what my next move was what I was going to do with myself. I had walked around so in such a state that I was numb most of the time. And I feel like I'm waking up out of that state now and it's like it's happened all over again and I have fits of breaking down just crying and wailing due to the pain of the grief. People expect that you're going to just be Ms happy Susie q and things are going to be good and because they see you functioning everyday or somewhat functioning every day that you are you're good with your life and you're good with how you are and all that. But really in reality it just shows what a good actor you really are you're thrown into a place that you didn't choose thrown into a position in life that you didn't choose and you strive to live everyday because you feel that there's no other choice but to live. Even though it's a very lonely life I don't know if I can say lonely but lonely in the human sense because I have a relationship with God and so I don't get really lonely in that sense but in the human sense as you know I'm not able to go home and share a how my day was with my husband I'm not able to go home and get a kiss from him or get a hug from him a much needed hug or be intimate with another person as in that my husband I I miss him! He was in my all sense of the words, he was my soulmate! And what I mean soulmate I mean I feel our souls are connected like he's there he's he's just a few steps from me but I can't see him I know that were we were meant to be together. 

So here I am sharing with you John or Jane q public and I'm putting it down on paper because this is reality and this is reality for a lot of grieving individuals and it seems like everyday there's more and more folks who are losing their loved ones and maybe this will help them too to know that they're not alone. People are afraid to put their feelings out there on paper but I'm at the point that what do I have to lose honestly. It's just me it's just me. I do have people who care about me I know that but I can't help but feel very alone. I hope you join me on this journey please have patience with me and we'll see how this all goes......

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